The Secret to the Perfect, Imperfect Marriage

Ever have something so perfect and wonderful and good that you wished that you could share it with the rest of the world?  I have.  Sometimes it scares me a little that it is too perfect and therefore something must come along to pull it all down.  Other times I feel guilt because nobody else has what I have and why do I deserve something so wonderful.

Jason says I’m crazy when I say it.  Really.  Why should I feel guilty for having something amazing, even if few others do?  Wondering what I am talking about?

So last night I watched the show “Fresh off the Boat.”  Not life changing, it never is meant to be, but sometimes when I can’t fall asleep something light and fun like that show helps.  Anyhoo…it was their Valentines show and the middle boy who is a ladies man (he’s like 11 so it’s very innocent and cute) was making a love wall, hanging all of his valentines up on the wall and leaving them up for the whole year.  He was really sad later in the show when his parents had an empty house with no kids and instead of doing a gooey lovey dovey Valentines Night they stayed home and did their taxes.  Broke his heart but the neighbor man next door taught him that true love shows up in little things and not always in grandiose ways.

The idea was sweet, and it had a good message, but I couldn’t help but think of what Jason’s little things were, verses theirs.  Like the fact that he carries around a blanket for me in his car trunk just in case I might get cold.  How he knows the best places for me to go potty any trip we take because he knows I kinda hate public bathrooms.  How I have every gadget I could ever imagine for my kitchen cause he knows how much I love to cook.  How a section of our bedroom, his side of the bed even, has my stationary bike in it because he knows it is the best angle for the television and he knows I hate to workout outside cause it’s cold.  How he gets mad if the kids let me shovel the walk or driveway because he knows I can’t keep my core warm and I’ll shiver for hours after.  The times he gets the shower warm ahead of time just for me and a towel laid out because, well…the whole cold thing again.  He calls me to share his day with me all day long and he rushes home to me at night.  He snuggles and holds me nonstop and chases me around the house to get kisses and hugs because he needs me near, and he doesn’t even care who sees.  Even going to the store he drags me along because he knows how much I miss him when he is gone to work all day. 

Then I’ve thought about the big things that he does.  He never ever looks at other women and turns his head if they are dressed inappropriately.  And in no way form or circumstance does he ever let me talk bad about myself.  He tells me that I am beautiful, or sexy, or perfect about a million times a day and better yet he absolutely means it.  He says sorry first when I hold a grudge and he covers me up at night when he comes home late from a gig and I am already asleep in bed and my covers have slid off.  He holds me and listens and remembers everything.  He tells the kids how wonderful I am and expects them to treat me like a queen.  He goes to church and holds my hand or wraps his arm around me while we sit side by side, no children in between us, because, he taught me when our children were very little, he loves me and they should know that.  And I am the first person that he wants to share something with when he’s had a bad day, or even better yet when something wonderful has happened.

Now can you see why sometimes I feel so guilty because I have something so amazing?  But this is where I will share this little secret with you…are you ready…we, Jason and I, didn’t just happen upon this perfection accidently, and sometimes, some days, it’s lacking ever so slightly in perfection.  We’ve been married twenty two most beautiful, wonderful, amazing, incredibly hard years.  Sometimes me squeezing the tooth paste tube all wonky has driven him nuts, and sometimes him leaving his bags all over the living room coach has made me pull out my hair, but at the end of the day, none, not ever one of those things have ever been deal breakers.  Not the year before Jason figured out that he was Diabetic and his moodiness was really picking at me.  Not the year that my hormones were off when Luke was a baby and one minute I was crying, the next minute I was yelling and the next minute I was sulking.  Not when we had a teenage boy that was driving us to our wits ends and at each other’s throats and we didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.  Not when we had a very sick baby threatening to die on us every second and neither of us knew the right way to handle the stress of the fear.  Not even when I was on bed rest going stir crazy and Jason being pulled in every direction at once being both mom and dad. 

None of those things, or bigger things that pull at every marriage has ever been deal breakers.  And why is that, you ask?  How did we overcome that and flourish and build this perfect imperfect marriage.  Because…ready for this…we chose to.  There you have it, the secret to the perfect, most wonderful, beautiful, happy ooey gooey marriage is found in one word, choice.

Jason has always been better at this choice thing.  He chooses to forgive so much faster than me, he chooses to love even when I’m the least loveable, and he chooses so completely to think of me every moment of his entire day.  But he has taught me that choices, those moments of serving one another, of loving one another are the most important choices that we will ever make even if sometimes they are the hardest ones.  And you know what, the more that you make these choices the easier they become until your life is wonderful and amazing and perfect, well until something else hard comes along and then you have to make all those choices all over again.  But those choices are worth it and even if the other person isn’t choosing them you can, and hopefully somewhere down the road, they like me, will learn to make those choices too, because we are human and believe it or not we are completely capable, each and every one of us of making those wonderful though sometimes very hard choices to love, and forgive, because let’s face it, every one of us needs forgiveness sometimes.

So yes, I’m gonna make my ooey gooey Valentine’s Day wall to last all year in my house.  You may not recognize it as such when you see it, but I will always know what it is every time that I walk past it.  It’s this great big mirror in my bathroom, and in the right light it reflects back at me all the emotions and thoughts and choices that I have made every day and every day that I am making the right ones, the loving ones, I’m adding to that valentines wall that makes up this so wonderful and ever changing marriage that is all my own, well and Jason’s too.