Highs and Lows

There have been a lot of highs and a lot of lows for us over the past few weeks.  Moments when my heart was breaking and I thought that the pain would never end and moments when my heart was soaring and I thought that I would never come down, but one thing that has been the constant through both the highs and the lows was the love that I feel from my Savior.

                Oh sure, most of you who read my blog probably assume that I live a charmed life filled with only perfection.  Not so but I can see how anyone would think so.  I try very hard in life to look for the good and most of the time I find it, but I wouldn’t be living this human experience if there wasn’t times that I was pushed to wonder if I could survive whatever trial that I might be going through until the next day.  I think that the lows we have help us to appreciate the joy that comes and most certainly brings us closer to our Heavenly Father.  Through the darkest of nights always comes the dawn even if the dawn might be filled with storm clouds on the horizon.

                I’ve had some time to reflect this past week on the joys in my life one of which is going to the temple.  Jason working in South Jordan like he does has allowed me to travel with him twice a month to do our family grocery shopping and to attend the temple in the morning.  I’ve come to look forward to this time when I can serve and connect with the other side a little closer, pull back the veil a little so to say, and have the peace that God wants me to have a little easier.  One of the greatest gifts he has given me.  If you don’t take the time to go already, do.  I promise you that no matter the commitments you have you can always find time for the temple.  Satan would have you think otherwise and if you miss out, oh sure you are letting those who are waiting for their priesthood blessings down, but mostly you are letting yourself down and not filling your cup to overflowing as you could.

                Sunday was crazy and I left half my lesson home and the words to the new song that we are learning home.  Upon arriving home I grabbed my lesson and what I thought were the words only to arrive at church and discover that they were not in my bag.  I had to rush to the library and recopy the music while the girls tried to stall through opening exercises only to discover once in my class room that I had left my lesson in the car and my Ipad in the other room.  Let’s just say that it didn’t get smoother after that.  I went home frustrated and tired.  Then I had to rush to get dinner ready and eaten in only 45 minutes and off to a Stake Young Women’s Leadership meeting.  Let me just say that at that point I didn’t want to go, especially because my brother Cullen and his wife Annalee were expected back to Nephi with their little family after what felt like about a million years of them being away to law school in Texas and the last thing that I wanted to do was worry about one more crazy meeting.

                I went.  Because that’s what you do and sometimes just obedience leads to some great blessings and this time it did.  I felt the spirit so strong and learned so much and my heart was filled to overflowing.  Cullen and Annalee came very shortly after to complete the wonderful feeling of joy that I had running through me.  I learned a new way to study my scriptures that is already changing my life and President Ludlow reminded me of the blessings that I have in Jason.  He was so amazing in the way that he spoke about our role in teaching the Young Women and he let us peek into the amazing way he feels about his wife.  The things he said about her and the way that he expressed his love for her was so beautiful and if she had been there, there would have been no way that she could have ever doubted that he loved her.

                I couldn’t stop the tears and perhaps everyone there thought that I was crying because I wished that I could have that, but in reality I was crying because everything that he was saying Jason more or less says to me every day and shows me every moment in the tender way that he treats me and I know that not everyone has that blessing that I do.  I truly am the most blessed of women.  How could I not think that when Jason so openly loves me so much?  When he looks at me so tenderly and all his concerns are around my wellbeing and happiness.  A great reason why I am the woman that I am, mostly filled with extreme joy and able to shoulder the trials as they come is because I am married to him and he has taught me to see how amazing that I am.

                Last night we had a service auction fund raiser for the young men and young women in our ward.  The men were in charge of the auction and the young women the food.  Can I just say that chaos ensued and I really was certain that the food would never come together in time?  My heart was racing and when I realized that very few had come to the dinner I was downright discouraged.  My secretary and my laurel’s advisor kept saying it’s alright, it will all work out.  Dinner got done, and people showed up, late but in great force.  The young women worked together beautifully and in the end we raised a great amount for girls camp and scout camp and joint activities and although I was stuck in the kitchen most of the time and really couldn’t see much of what was going on in the gym I think that everyone had a good time.

                This morning I am so tired that I want to just lie in bed all day and my feet and back are so sore that I could cry, and maybe laugh at the same time too, but I am soaring once again!  I’ve cleaned the kitchen, gotten breakfast made, Jason’s breakfast made, washed dishes, read scriptures, made yogurt smoothie pops for when the kids come home, folded some of the million table clothes that I still have to wash and now written in my blog and all I keep feeling is the Savior’s love and all that keeps going through my thoughts are the words, “I love you!” over and over.

                Jesus is the Christ, our brother.  He died for me and he lives for me!  His spirit brings me peace and reminds me of who I am.  I have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who love me and are cheering for me.  They know me even when I sometimes I don’t and in everything they are trying to strengthen me until I come back home.  I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, the same gospel that was in Jesus’s day and I have the Bible and the Book of Mormon.  I have prayer for when I am sad and prayer for when I am in need and prayer for when I am alone and most of all prayer for when I am grateful and I have the Holy Ghost that speaks to me of peace.  What more could I need?  How could I not soar?  My life is a million puzzle pieces of highs and lows that are all being pieced together to paint the most wonderful picture of my eternity.

               

Oh, So Serious Sam

How many times have you held your perfect little baby in your arms and looked at him in complete awe.  Some part of you knew then like the first moments when in the most impossible release you brought that babe into the world that he had come straight from God.  Part of you was in awe the other part of you would have given anything to look into that baby’s memories and try yourself for one sweet moment to remember home.

                Then what happens?  They grow up on you and suddenly that sweet innocence seems to drift away and you long for it again, for those moments when you felt so close to God.  I remember holding Sam in my arms that first time after the whole world of visitors had gone home.  The hospital was quiet and he had woken up for his first midnight feeding.  I remember the most perfect moment when everything was still and for one sweet night he was mine and all mine alone.  I remember looking down at him and feeling the sense of the greatness that I held in my arms and wondering how God could entrust such perfection to me, someone so far from perfect.

                When Sam got older and learned to smile and toddle around, even talk and hold very simple conversations even then he was what one might call serious and a deep thinker.  I remember when he was about three possibly four my father laying on the grass and Sam and Steph were climbing all over him and my dad saying to Sam, “Sam, smile for me.”  And Sam in the most serious of expressions, lines drawn and brows furled said, “I am smiling.”  We laughed then as we still do now when we think back to that.  Sam so little and chubby and so serious, not unhappy just of serious nature.

                Sam is still very serious.  His questions are so deep that sometimes I marvel at them and his understanding of right and wrong, no grey, make me wonder how he can be so certain when he is so little.  I think maybe he really is more close to perfection than I am.  Perhaps in the spirit world he obtained more holiness than me, perhaps he was just a little more prepared beforehand than I was.  Who knows?  But sometimes I still have to laugh at my little boy who at times can be so serious.

                On Thursday they had a spelling bee for Sam’s First Grade.  Now, although we had the list of words months in advance, we didn’t study one second, not once.  Great mother right?  Sam aces everything at school.  He is well beyond many years of what he should be in reading, he’s been doing multiplication since kindergarten when he asked me what is was when you had three threes and they equal nine, what was that called.  He does division now and reads Harry Potter and spells all of his older sister’s spelling words with no problem.  So of course, the lazy mom that I am, and in keeping with my other children who had no desire to be in the spelling bee, we didn’t practice once.  So imagine my surprise when I received the email from Sam’s teacher inviting me to the spelling bee of the top fourteen spellers in his grade. 

There Sam sat in that small elementary school library, all of his fellow classmates sitting on the floor to watch Sam and thirteen others duel it out in a spelling contest, Sam’s legs twitching nervously under his seat.  The principal explained the rules and then reminded the kids that the top five got five dollars each.  One by one it went down the line, sterner and more serious grew Sam’s face and faster twittled his feet until it was his turn.  Then, up he popped, looked at me, no smile on his face, and repeated the word, letters flying out swiftly and clearly until he was back down in his seat a look of relief on his face.  It carried on like this each round while more and more children were spelled out until Sam was in the top five.  Then miraculously Sam’s whole demeanor calmed and a smile spread across his face and he relaxed and had fun. 

        In the end, despite my awful parenting, my little serious boy took First Place.  Number one speller in the First Grade with his two best friends following right after.  When I asked him how it felt, if he was happy to have won he said, “I just wanted the five dollars, then I didn’t care.  I’m rich!”

 I can’t help but wonder what he will become when he grows up.  Will he be the pharmacist like he professes he will?  I guess it doesn’t matter much as long as he continues on with his desire to learn and learn more.  But most importantly I hope he always holds to his right and wrong with no grey areas, I hope he can always hold to the greatness that I felt the very first night that I held him in my arms.

Little Glimpse of Heaven

So what do you do that first moment when you see your shy little girl walk out on stage in front of the whole town and you can see her heart racing and almost feel every time that her heart catches and you know part of her just wants to turn around and run away?  First you hold your breath, then you breathe slowly uttering a prayer, “Lord, please calm her and let her do her best so she won’t hate herself later,” and then you hold back all the nervous adrenaline and let your daughter go, win or fail.

But what came out of her mouth next was simply magic and Jenny won the talent portion of Miss Nephi last night.  https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10201039586341301&set=vb.1516997456&type=2&theater  Sure, she didn’t get a crown, heck she has never ever done anything princessie before in her life and had never modeled or done “the walk” but she took the stage when she sang last night.  For one second it was as if the rest of the world didn’t exist and it was only my daughter, my sweet little girl who at 5 weeks old almost slipped away from us.  I prayed then, “Lord please don’t let my baby die.  If someone has to go take me instead,” and despite everything in the next two years that kept seeming to want to take her from this earth God, like last night, had heard the prayer of a terrified Momma and let her stay.

I guess that I am still floating on a high from last night.  Jenny is very quiet about her accomplishments and cannot stand the thought of throwing herself at the whole world, so although her father and I and her siblings knew that she could sing, even her own grandmothers had no idea…so imagine the shock as the whole tiny town of Nephi, who knows everything about everyone, heard Jenny sing last night.  The great thing about our amazing tiny town that we live in is everyone supports each other like family and last night Jenny was their family.  What a great world we live in where Jenny could shine the way that she did and where everyone, even people she barely knows could stand up and give her the love that she needs.  Thanks Nephi.  You are amazing.

Jason as many of you know has a mobile DJ business on the side of his already crazy job.  As a family it has been an amazing thing that he does giving our children experiences that most others could never have.  He plays pretty much every week and usually several times a week at BYU where our kids have met some pretty amazing people that Jason has done sound for, Ryan Shupe and David Osmond, to name a few at BYU when they were just the little guy but one of the many things that he does, which is my favorite part I must add, is Karaoke.  When you set up the Karaoke stage and everyone at BYU gathers around, stage in front, large speakers and mics, chairs set up to brimming, it can be a little intimidating and at first no one wants to sing.  Those darn nerves again.  That is where Jenny has always come in since she was a very little girl.  “Go on stage and break the ice,” she has always heard.  And Jenny, legs trembling, would always climb that scary stage to sing, terrified but determined.  First it was her tiny little toddler voice that everyone always oohed and awed over, “what a cute little girl with curly red hair,” now it’s usually, “wow, that girl can sing,” followed by applause and a line of people waiting to get added to the karaoke list.

When they announced last night that the winner of the talent portion of Miss Nephi was, “Contestant #1, Jennifer Gibson,” I screamed so loud I embarrassed myself, but I didn’t care.  That was my little girl, and God hadn’t let her down and he had allowed her to shine.  And when they put that award in her hands, I could see the confidence shining on her face and I knew that God knew that she was special and that she mattered.

My sweet Luke gave Jenny her own crown last night and her brothers and sisters and grandma and uncle cheered for her like she had just taken “The Voice,” but what amazed me most was the sweetness that Heavenly Father let me see in my little girl’s raspy voice and the outpouring of love from the most amazing little town that I have the most wonderful privilege of living in.  If you think blessings don’t surround you everywhere you go, then you need to pray a little harder for the help to see them.  Because God loves us and he gives us these little glimpses into Heaven every time that we are willing to see.  It’s like he is saying, “I miss you so much.  This trip you’ve taken away from me is scary for me to watch and terrifying for me to let you go, but I will show you how much I love you and send you little pictures of home if you will just look a little harder to see.  I love you!”

Jenny was an angel last night and sang with an angel voice, and yes I am her momma and a little prejudice  but still…SHE WAS AMAZING!!!

 

A Smile Is Contagious

Mondays seem to be a tossup for me of disdain and joy.  In so many aspects I hate Mondays.  And rightfully so.  The kitchen is always a mess of soiled dishes and odds and ends scattered throughout the house.  The thought of getting through all of those dishes seems impossible and daunting, but on the other hand I love Mondays.  After the chaos of getting six kids up and running and a husband off to work, my hands sink into warm dishwater with soft church music playing in the background and I get to reflect on the week before.  In so many ways this starts my week with peace despite the endless mess and dirty floors before me.

            I was thinking thus this morning as I was struggling to scrub off the dried and glued on leftover Taco Soup from the pan that I was washing when I couldn’t help but think to last Saturday.  The day started rather sweetly.  Jason and I laid in bed longer than usual just enjoying being together.  The kids were quiet and off doing their own thing downstairs giving us a very rare Saturday morning of sleeping in.  When I got up I decided to make a big breakfast or rather brunch since it had gotten so late.  My oldest two girls were actually cheerful as they helped clean the kitchen and start cooking.  Everything was going beautifully and I couldn’t help but think it…should have knocked on wood then.

            I sent my younger two downstairs to find some canned fruit to go on top of the waffles.  Before long they started up on fighting which seems to be becoming the norm around here and something we were working on.  In the process of their bickering Stephanie took a swing at her brother who in return jumped out of the way knocking a jar of pears onto the cement floor of the fruit room and spilling the contents all over the floor.

            Jenny and Nan then were called into clean up duty so that the little ones wouldn’t get cut by the sharp glass and so that I could continue on with the breakfast.  Jason promptly set Sam and Steph into respective corners for fighting which I must reiterate has been the norm as of late with them and then joined me to help finish breakfast.  He started making Orange Smoothies forgetting to add ice and neglecting the hash browns on the stove browning them just a little too much, I nearly forgot to turn off the sausage getting them also a little too brown.  We laughed at brunch that Sam and Steph’s fight had jinxed the day.

            If we had only known then…Then we decided to head up north with our Pass of all Passes card in hand to enjoy Laser Tag and Mini Golf and Rock climbing only to realize that I couldn’t find Luke’s pass anywhere.  Searched through the whole house and car with no luck and everyone’s patience frazzled.  Looking on line I found the place to buy a new one for only 9.95, ten dollars less then I originally paid for it, but when it printed off it said that it would be six to eight weeks until it came in the mail.  With receipt in hand we decided to hope for the best that they would still stamp off Luke’s hand and let him in.

            On the way up to Lehi I decided to use the app on my phone and check our bank account to make sure like I do every two weeks that our automatic deposit from work had gone through.  It had as it always does but long and behold what did I find in my looking but that someone had rented a Redbox Movie in California for $2.19 on one of our cards.  We live in Utah not California.  Not a big deal?  No.  But it could have been if I had not so quickly noticed and they had continued on using our debit card.  After calling the bank we found out that one other charge had been made in California for the small price of $3.00.  Great.  Now we were in the process of cancelling Jason’s debit card, the only one we had with us up north for a day of fun with the kids.  Could the morning get any worse?  Luckily for us only a few miles away there was a Wells Fargo that was still open for another ten minutes and they were able to issue Jason a temporary card to use until his new one shows up in the mail.

            At that point our tempers were a little hot and the morning seemed to be one failure after another but then… my children started talking about the broken jar of pears that had started it all and laughing about how ridiculous the morning had become one thing after another.  It wasn’t long until we were all laughing and teasing about everything that had happened.  The rest of the day was wonderful and Luke’s hand did get stamped and we had the best time and in it all I am so happy that whomever had stolen Jason’s card information had only made small purchases and that I had taken the time to look at our bank account that morning before we finished our day and before the thieves had the nerve to start making big purchases out of our account.

            What was starting out to be a big disaster resulted in blessings and stressful moments that very shortly after we were able to laugh at.  Isn’t that how so much of life can be?  One stressful thing after another.  Sometimes I am not always so quick to stand back and smile instead of crying.  I don’t know any other way to get through life and all that seems to come with it bad included with the good then to smile when all you want to do is cry.  Smiling is contagious after all.  One child started laughing about that miserable morning we were having and before long we were all laughing about it and really we should have been.  After all those pears taught Sam and Steph to feel a little repentant about all the fighting that they had been doing and showed Jenny and Nan that even though it was a mess to clean up that together it wasn’t so bad.  Yes Jason may have forgotten the ice in the orange juice and nearly burnt the hash browns and I the sausage but we didn’t and brunch was really yummy and we had plenty to eat.  The debit card was stolen but only a little over five dollars was taken and the card was replaced and it could have been hundreds or even more and the bank would have been closed if I had waited to look another ten minutes more.  Now I know that nothing really huge or really horrible had happened that day but in the past it has and yes sometimes we need to cry a little before we can laugh, but in the end we need to laugh or smile at least.  Life is meant to be enjoyed even when it seems too hard and when our hearts feel too broken we can smile and we can find joy and once we do, when those times feel the hardest, we can appreciate the joy all the more.

            Well on to another week and yes we will have to wait and see what it brings.  Hopefully I can keep smiling and laugh when I want to cry, because really everything seems rosier when we smile.

"How Great Thou Art"

I just got done making over a hundred cookies for Jenny’s birthday party tonight…her belated sweet sixteen, and sat down at the piano to plunk out my favorite song from the “Hymns Made Easy” songbook…How Great Thou Art.  Now I’m no musician and I am definitely not a singer but when I am home all alone and no one is there to hear me I have been known to belt it out and in my own head it sounds pretty good to me.  Over and over stumbling across the keys but singing with every strength of my soul.  During that time I feel as though I am souring above with my feet only coming down to touch the clouds, the victor in a hard fought war presenting the spoils to my King.

                Perhaps that is why they say that a song can be a prayer unto our Father.  In those quiet moments when no one else is around I can express my “prayer” with all the energy that is within me without the fear or anxiety of being laughed at.

                President Ludlow sang “Lord, My Redeemer” in our ward on Sunday and it was so sweet and so beautiful that I of course being a woman sobbed right through it.  My brother Cullen was in Sacrament with us and leaned over and said, “Do you know what I think of when I hear that song?  You singing it over and over in the house when we were kids.  That was your favorite song.”

                He was right and I had kind of forgotten it over the years.  Of course I went right home and bought it off of iTunes and added it to my playlist.  Pour Cullen having to listen to his big sister belting through the house over and over with her less than beautiful voice that beautiful song.  But I guess even then my heart knew that its prayer would be heard and in God’s ears it was wonderful.

                Well onto a shower and the rest of my day but my heart is still soaring and today my spirit can accomplish everything until the day that I truly do go home and I pray that I can lay it all at His feet and He will tell me well done.  “How Great Thou Art.”

 

"My Day Off"

So my day off as I like to call my kids’ holidays from school did not start as wonderfully as planned.  I had pictured us having a nice breakfast, doing a quick clean and then watching a movie altogether.  Breakfast went fairly good but cleanup was screaming and yelling and all out fighting on behalf of my grumpy kids and then the movie that I wanted to watch with the kids, “The Librarian,” (a cheesy but cute kinda like National Treasure made for T.V. movie) wasn’t on Netflix’s even though the internet said that it was.  

                That having been said…zoom several hours forward and my day went pretty good.  Jason found the movie for us, later Jenny got to go to a fun birthday party, Nan went up north with a friend, Steph’s adorable friend Maddy and Sam’s cute friend Blake all came to play.  Before long I could hear the laughter giggling down the hall as Steph and Maddy and Sam and Blake all played a crazy game under the instruction of Suzy.  I remember those times when my sister Kari would direct us in one wild someone’s gonna get us game after another.

                Maybe not the way I pictured the day turning out but wonderful still the same.  I found time to write in my book while the kids screamed and giggled outside my bedroom door and I must say my writings today were brilliant, at least I’m going to say that they were, and now I’m off to make a lazy dinner.  Sometimes life is so mundane and so simple that I have to just bask in its glory.  I couldn’t be happier and my life couldn’t be more wonderful.  I know who I am, God’s daughter and Christ’s sister, I have a hardworking, amazing husband and the blessing of being able to be home with my awesome kids, even though sometimes I think they might kill each other.  Maybe I will never win mother of the year or have a novel on the New York Times Bestseller list but I have a pretty terrific life and I’m happy to keep it.

Agency

I dreamt all last night that every time I stretched my knee in my sleep that it shot shooting pains up my leg.  Funny thing was that when I woke up this morning it wasn’t so much a dream as it was reality.  Same knee that I have always struggled with, same knee that years ago I had surgery on.  Today Stephanie gets the joy of once more going back to the dentist for the thousandth time in the last 2 ½ months.  Her retainer fell out once again and she gets the joy of getting it cemented back in.  Between a retainer that just will not stay in and will not do what it is supposed to do and the abscessed tooth that she had to deal with that would not heal despite whatever they did to help it heal and finally having an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin that she was on that little girl has gone through more than an adult would want to endure with the dentist.

                This morning in our family scripture study we talked about the war in heaven and how many of our brothers and sisters fell.  We have finished the Book of Mormon once again and we are trying something new.  We are trying to follow along with the new curriculum that the youth have in young women’s and young men’s and Sunday school.  It’s already proving a challenge because I don’t want to follow what is on site with the Church because I don’t want to repeat what is already being given them.  As we discussed the third this morning that went astray it was brought up that the whole war in heaven came because of Satan’s greed for all the glory and for one other thing…our agency.  I think that’s what we will focus on this week is our agency.

                Sometimes I wonder why we have to have pain in this life, my knee, Stephanie’s mouth, but I am always grateful that my pains seem to be so much less than so many I know.  Why does life have to be this way?  In the scriptures it talks about how everything has its opposites so we can realize the good.  Pain is there so we can understand how good it feels when we are healthy, but I also believe pain is there to test our agency.  Oh, yes, we all have agency and it may even be exactly what we call it when we say “free,” but our consequences to that agency is not in our control once the action is done.  Now Stephanie could complain, if anyone had the right to she does, but she doesn’t because she exercises her agency to be joyful even when she has every right not to be.  What are her consequences in return?  This nightmare of an experience for her although hard and seemingly unbearable at times has been bearable, and her heart has been light and she has been happy when maybe she could have been sad.  And what are men?... “Men are that they might have joy.”

                I often look at my children and see the strength in them.  Some of that strength they are learning as hopefully all of us are in this earth life, but some of it so clearly came with them from the world before, from the people that they were already struggling and learning to be before they came to this earth…Stephanie’s patience in difficulties and sweetness no matter what, Sam’s deep thinking and determination to do what’s right, Suzy’s brilliance and tender but very strong nature, Nan’s joy and compassion, Jenny’s strength and ability to take care of herself in every situation, and Luke’s hard work ethic and desire to serve others no matter the cost.  All of these things my children brought with them and I have the opportunity to learn from their strengths and hopefully direct them when the use their agency.  Oh sure they will fall at times, I do more often than I would like, but because our Heavenly Father loves us there is always a way back.  And pain, whether physical or emotional may be part of the consequences of living this life can become one of our greatest blessings if we exercise our agency so that the consequences bring us growth and ultimately help us to find our way back home.  After all, “Men are that they might have joy,” and what greater joy could there be then going home, home to our Heavenly Father, to our Savior, and to our loved ones who wait for us there?