Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Full Circle

Today’s a little bit grey and cloudy. The kind of day where you want to curl up and cuddle with a good book. The smell of raisin oatmeal cookies that I have just made drifts in from the other room, and the sound of an EFY CD softly echoes through the house. Sam is giggling to himself as he plays in the other room and the quiet stillness of life seems to relax me. Not many days are like this. Not many days can I sit and reflect. The bread machine in the other room has just popped on, hypnotically mixing and turning until I want to fall off to sleep.

Sam has been full of questions, once again. Mostly about God and Jesus and the awe at which he asks them makes me envious of his simple faith. I worry that time will too soon take that from him, and the world will take its place filling his heart with doubt. It’s been an amazing thing being a mother of both little children and old, my oldest boy being 17 and my youngest boy 5. I can sit back and see full circle.

I remember Luke when he was full of questions, though his seemed more wild and less serious than Sam’s. I have watched and feared and forever been on my knees as Luke grew older and the world seemed to take him. How many nights while Jason was off working late did I fall asleep in tears wondering how I could ever fill Luke’s heart with all that he needed? Some many times I feared that tomorrow would be the day that he would forever pull away from me.

Now I sit as the other end of Luke’s life is slowly approaching me. Next year he will be a senior and with it has come the maturity that I wondered would ever come. We still have our teenage moments as I call them, but they have grown so far and few between, that many days I forget that he is not yet a man. I used to worry what he would make of his life and how he could ever be a husband and a father, and now I see him so sure of his ambitions and I know that one day he will be able to provide for a family. As his father has been away and we struggle to sell our house, I have seen Luke step into his father’s shoes, still too big for him to fill, and he has taken on the roll honorably.

I hope as Sam grows and as my anxieties do to, that I can remember the trials and worries of Luke’s life and while reflecting on the outcome of it, know that Sam too will find his way, and in so doing enjoy Sam a little more and worry a little less. I hope too as Luke someday serves a mission and someday returns home and marries a sweet girl, that he can go back to the innocence that was once his and look at the world and God and Jesus with the awe that he once had. With the awe that Sam has now.

1 comment:

  1. That is a great gift to be able to see both ends of the rearing years with your children. It seems that maybe this time, though it has been challenging, may have been helpful to Luke, too. It's all those crazy blessings that come when it least seems like they are. It's good to hear this about your struggles with Luke and seeing him come out on top. Sometimes I worry, like you did, with Belle. I think as we try our best to love the best we can, Heavenly Father fills in our gaps.