As I sit here and listen to my new favorite song, “The One” by Audrey Bandley, I take a few big breathes and let the peace in. So often my mind is a clutter of concern. Will Jason be lonely as he is away from us in Henderson? Will Jenny find joy today while she’s busy at school? Will Luke focus on his studies and stay caught up for once? Will my little Stephanie ever have an easy time learning? Will I forever be alone in bed at night because our house won’t sell and I am here and Jason is there? And what if nothing changes? I think if there weren’t these moments of peace, the fear would be so great as to overwhelm me.
As I was listening to conference this last Sunday I was in awe with the talks that God inspired just for me. Tears fell, peace filled my soul, and understanding and knowledge came, but then the thought of foolishness came also. Surely God had not inspired those talks just for me. Surely they were meant for the thousands. Surely one soul, mine, was not enough to form a whole General Conference around. But then again the peace came. Although Conference was for the thousands, for the millions of Saints that God calls His, the spirit that brought the message to my heart with the understanding that was only meant for my mind, was just for me. God had sent a message, like so many other times, that was just for me.
How often does He wish to reach His hands toward me and cuddle me in His arms? How many times does He long to kiss my cheeks and rock me until I fall safely asleep? As Sam grows older and those opportunities to squeeze him and hold him grow farther and farther between I can’t help to wonder how much My Father wishes He could pull me back and hold me against Him just a little longer. How often is His mind a clutter of concern for me and my family? Does He wonder if today Jason will be too lonely or if Luke will do all he needs to fill his father’s shoes while he is away? Does He wish so badly that He could fill Jenny’s heart only with joy and help little Stephanie’s brain to learn a little easier? Does He worry that my bed tonight will be too empty and I’ll cry myself to sleep? Does He fear that the days will grow too long and I will forget Him?
I am forever amazed at the moments when clarity comes, when understanding brings a greater peace to my soul. As I beheld today as the amazement stole across Sam’s face while he watched one small little lady bug crawl across his arm, I could not help but think that God sends us so many chances for peace and we rarely take the time to notice them. The lady bug on Sam’s arm, the bouquet of wilting dandelions on the counter, the little arms wrapped tightly around my neck before bed at night, the quiet, gentle pleadings of the spirit, all speak of His love, and I seldom take the time to see them.
Now I will listen a little longer to the sweet music playing across my bedroom speakers. For one more moment I will collect the peace that He is so desperately trying to give me and I will let the quiet spirit in. Today I will be stronger so that tomorrow when the clutter of concern starts up once again I will remember the love that My Father showers down on me every minute of every day. Today I will open my soul to His peace.